Job Opportunity: Be a Lower East Side Superhero Sidekick

Posted on: December 6th, 2012 at 6:48 am by

[Photo: SNL]

In the darkest of night, Gotham is protected by its superheroes. Lord knows the Lower East Side needs the extra hands. Now one such nameless character is holding interviews for a “skilled” sidekick who is proficient in both Kung Fu and Microsoft Word. The funny faux job description found its way onto Craigslist earlier this week. What super-powers could you offer the mysterious crime fighter?

Sidekick needed for fighting crime:

Requirements:
-You should be skilled in some sort of martial art, Kung Fu hopefully, and possess the ability to fight at least 3 dudes at once with ease. Because I don’t need you to be the damsel in distress.

-You should have your own form of transportation to and from work. Villains aren’t going to wait for you near bus lines. And no I will not reimburse you for gas money.

-You should be proficient in Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.

-You should possess some sort of super power. Being a good listener is not a super power unless you’re capable of hearing a conversation from a mile away. And not with the use of a cell phone smart ass. Also if your super power is talking to fish, jump up your own ass.

-Keeping your secret identity secret to everyone except me.

-You should have an eager desire to learn, to protect the citizens of New York City, and you should have a good sense of humor. Enough to audibly chuckle at all of my jokes, but not so much that your laughter interferes with fighting bad guys. Also don’t try to be funnier than me. Seriously, I will melt you with my heat vision and then tell all of your future prospective employers that you were regularly late because of a PCP addiction. And that I regularly caught you pleasuring yourself to YouTube videos for furniture repair.

Expectations:
-There’s a non refundable $75 one time background check fee to ensure you weren’t previously employed as a henchman. Fee waived for female and shape shifters.

-There will be random drug testing. Steroid use is ok.

-You shall maintain a strict diet and exercise regiment to maintain a stellar physique in tights.

-A cool nickname, but not cooler than mine. Dragon. Pronounced Dre’gone. Like Dr. Dre and gone like ‘your chances for employment are gone if you submit your resume in Comic Sans.’ Times New Roman people. If you mess up the pronunciation of my name, I will crush your head with an ice pick.

-Expect for me to have sex with you at some point. Females and males with the ability to shape shift into hot females especially. Just accept this as part of the dynamic between superheroes and their sidekicks.

-I am not currently looking for an animal or alien sidekick. Nevertheless, I’m willing to consider your applications equally. But expect the same considerations when it comes to sex as the human applicants.

-You will never attempt to add me as a friend on Facebook. We are co-workers, not friends.

-A clever catch phrase. One that would go well on T-shirts and bumper stickers.

Hours: Various. But you will be on call 24/7 because crime never sleeps.

Experience: Preferably a background in some type of detective work or a previous sidekick to another Superhero.

Salary: Starting salary is $85,000/yr. You will have full health insurance, partial dental insurance, access to a 401K, your own parking spot, and you will be eligible for an incentive based bonus that is structured to consider how many bad guys you killed or put behind bars.

DO NOT BOTHER REPLYING IF: You have ever been associated with Professor Manipulator. That’s my arch enemy and he’s a total dick.

Recent Stories

Water Main Work on Tap for Lower Clinton Street

The Department of Design and Construction last week embarked on another Lower East Side infrastructure project. This time it’s another water main job. The upcoming campaign is two-fold: replacement of both the water main and sewers beneath Clinton Street from Madison to East Broadway. Known as the “Accelerated Water Main Replacement Project” (aka MEDA002), we […]

Clayton’s Corner: At Samoa’s ‘Candy Coated Evil’ Opening [PHOTO]

In a poisoned, jaded world, this show is a limitless panacea. Samoa’s vocabulary is so innately understandable by anyone with a heart that still beats. And loved by those of us who understand that art and music and performance can create change, rather than just swell our pockets or decorate our rooms. It’s art that […]

Zarin Fabrics’ Bobby Zarin Dies of Cancer at 71

Bobby Zarin, former owner of Zarin Fabrics and husband to Real Housewives of New York star Jill Zarin, passed away on Saturday after a years-long battle with thyroid cancer. He was 71. “With the heaviest of hearts, we are devastated to share the news that our beloved Bobby Zarin passed away peacefully [Saturday] surrounded by […]

Masked Men Hold up Rivington Street Bodega at Gunpoint

Three masked men reportedly robbed a Rivington Street bodega last night, police said. Two of the men allegedly entered the LES Mini Mart at 127 Rivington Street just before midnight, and held up the cashier at gunpoint. The duo removed an unknown quantity of cash from the register and cigarettes from behind the counter. The […]

SLA Denies License to Controversial Sons of Essex Operator for Allen Street Club

Controversial landlord-developer Michael Shah and his Line Group nightlife arm were dealt a major blow on Wednesday when the State Liquor Authority denied their proposal for a Mexican nightspot called Dos Cientos. In the works for nearly a year, Shah and his usual suspects had been trying to convert the three-years-vacant Preserve 24 space at the […]