Job Opportunity: Be a Lower East Side Superhero Sidekick

Posted on: December 6th, 2012 at 6:48 am by

[Photo: SNL]

In the darkest of night, Gotham is protected by its superheroes. Lord knows the Lower East Side needs the extra hands. Now one such nameless character is holding interviews for a “skilled” sidekick who is proficient in both Kung Fu and Microsoft Word. The funny faux job description found its way onto Craigslist earlier this week. What super-powers could you offer the mysterious crime fighter?

Sidekick needed for fighting crime:

Requirements:
-You should be skilled in some sort of martial art, Kung Fu hopefully, and possess the ability to fight at least 3 dudes at once with ease. Because I don’t need you to be the damsel in distress.

-You should have your own form of transportation to and from work. Villains aren’t going to wait for you near bus lines. And no I will not reimburse you for gas money.

-You should be proficient in Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.

-You should possess some sort of super power. Being a good listener is not a super power unless you’re capable of hearing a conversation from a mile away. And not with the use of a cell phone smart ass. Also if your super power is talking to fish, jump up your own ass.

-Keeping your secret identity secret to everyone except me.

-You should have an eager desire to learn, to protect the citizens of New York City, and you should have a good sense of humor. Enough to audibly chuckle at all of my jokes, but not so much that your laughter interferes with fighting bad guys. Also don’t try to be funnier than me. Seriously, I will melt you with my heat vision and then tell all of your future prospective employers that you were regularly late because of a PCP addiction. And that I regularly caught you pleasuring yourself to YouTube videos for furniture repair.

Expectations:
-There’s a non refundable $75 one time background check fee to ensure you weren’t previously employed as a henchman. Fee waived for female and shape shifters.

-There will be random drug testing. Steroid use is ok.

-You shall maintain a strict diet and exercise regiment to maintain a stellar physique in tights.

-A cool nickname, but not cooler than mine. Dragon. Pronounced Dre’gone. Like Dr. Dre and gone like ‘your chances for employment are gone if you submit your resume in Comic Sans.’ Times New Roman people. If you mess up the pronunciation of my name, I will crush your head with an ice pick.

-Expect for me to have sex with you at some point. Females and males with the ability to shape shift into hot females especially. Just accept this as part of the dynamic between superheroes and their sidekicks.

-I am not currently looking for an animal or alien sidekick. Nevertheless, I’m willing to consider your applications equally. But expect the same considerations when it comes to sex as the human applicants.

-You will never attempt to add me as a friend on Facebook. We are co-workers, not friends.

-A clever catch phrase. One that would go well on T-shirts and bumper stickers.

Hours: Various. But you will be on call 24/7 because crime never sleeps.

Experience: Preferably a background in some type of detective work or a previous sidekick to another Superhero.

Salary: Starting salary is $85,000/yr. You will have full health insurance, partial dental insurance, access to a 401K, your own parking spot, and you will be eligible for an incentive based bonus that is structured to consider how many bad guys you killed or put behind bars.

DO NOT BOTHER REPLYING IF: You have ever been associated with Professor Manipulator. That’s my arch enemy and he’s a total dick.

Recent Stories

Photo: The Corpse Corps
The World Isn’t Ready for Julian Casablancas + the Voidz

The world isn’t ready for Julian Casablancas + The Voidz. Just like The Strokes were the pioneers of the post punk indie revival, the latest endeavor by Julian Casablancas is exponentially kicking it up a notch in the musical avant-garde. Deceptive in the simplicity of its track titles (“Nintendo Blood,” “Xerox,” “Business Dog”), the band’s latest album Tyranny forces you to take a […]

moscot-band
Moscot has a House Band with Dr. Moscot on Guitar

Moscot rocks out with the best of ‘em. The last two consecutive Thursdays, after hours, we spotted a four-piece band rehearsing inside the Orchard Street store. A double take proved that fourth-generation owner Dr. Harvey Moscot was indeed wielding a six-string (i.e. Fender Stratocaster). Moscot PR tells us that the house band is called “The […]

duchesse-orchard-2
New Orchard Street Bakery ‘Les Jardins de la Duchesse’ Will Carry a Bacon-Wrapped Eclair

Modern Fashion & Style on Orchard Street closed over the summer so that a new French bakery could sling pastries. During those interim months, contractors have been tearing apart the commercial space of 138 Orchard. We heard chatter along the way that the newcomer was some sort of bakery. Confirmation arrived yesterday afternoon with the new store […]

Photo: TH
Councilwoman Margaret Chin Calls for New 25 MPH Speed Limit Signs Along South Street

In a couple weeks (November 7), the city speed limit will shift to the lower default of 25 mph, following legislation that was recently passed into law. Councilwoman Margaret Chin is on the offensive, demanding proper street signage for the most dangerous traffic corridors. In a letter to DOT Commissioner Polly Trottenberg, she singles out […]

aaa-ichiban-closed-2
AAA Ichiban Sushi on Orchard Street Closes Ahead of Ben Shaoul Development

The northeast corner of Orchard and East Houston is slowly giving up the ghost. As we’ve been reporting, controversial landlord Ben “Sledgehammer” Shaoul purchased the L-shaped low-rise strip and is gradually booting the businesses. We lost Bereket and Philly’s Cheese Steak over the summer; Taqueria will soon move up to St. Mark’s Place and received blessings from […]