Open Letter to a Potential Date Rapist

Posted on: January 29th, 2013 at 10:19 am by

missed-connection-drug

Most “Missed Connections” living on Craigslist are populated by star-crossed city dwellers who couldn’t muster the courage to ask someone out. What follows is the polar opposite. And scary, at that. If true, this open letter to an unnamed “Scumbag” is all sorts of messed up. It would appear an East Villager was Roofied at Lit Lounge the other night…

Scumbag,

When I woke up in my apartment this morning and had no idea how I got home, my first thought was: wow, I am hilariously terrible at drinking. Then I remembered that I’m not, and that not only did I not drink anywhere near enough to feel the way that I did, but I had absolutely no idea how I got home. Almost 24 hours later, I still haven’t really gotten out of bed — thanks for putting something in my drink you absolute piece of shit.

My only comfort is that my door was chained when I woke up, so I know that I was alone and that your shitty plan didn’t work out. I guess it probably went awry somewhere right around the part of the night when you told me that you were going to go “do coke with your friends in the bathroom” and I said “gross” and turned away from you. I saw you watching me later on, right around the time I would imagine the drug started to kick in, because that’s about the last thing I remember. You were talking to another girl, did you bring enough for both of us? (If you’re that girl, feel free to email me.)

You weren’t wrong, by the way; you definitely would have needed to drug me HEAVILY if you wanted to fuck me; too bad it didn’t work out for your bullshit New Jersey 70s psych rock ass. Yes I’m pretty, but I’m also really fucking smart, funny, and have a big, pulsing heart. I am good, and you are gross. I guess you know that about yourself, though, or you wouldn’t have slipped me fucking horse tranquilizers.

Something is DEEPLY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU if you KNOW that in order to fuck someone, you need to render them unconscious. You should probably fucking work on that. Consent is, actually, the BEST part about having sex with someone — it’s a real trip when two people mutually decide that they want to roll around naked together, you should try it sometime.

If I ever see you again I am going to rip your fucking heart out of your chest, Mortal Kombat style, and hang it from a telephone wire in the East Village next to some fucking sneakers.

Also, FUCK the East Village.

Recent Stories

lobster-joint-comics-1
About that Comic Book Sale Inside the Lobster Joint this Weekend; New Food Truck Coming Soon

It would be dope if this was permanent, but alas, this is the new Lower East Side and a comic book store won’t do. What you see here was a temporary sale inside the now-former Lobster Joint. The flea market of sorts lasted all weekend, with various issues culled from all decades priced at $1 and […]

Photo: Josie Tsang
WD-50 Says Goodbye to the Lower East Side with Farewell Photo and Letter in the Window

As we’ve been closely chronicling for the better part of the last year, WD-50 and the adjacent Clinton Street properties will soon fall for luxury condo development. One by one, each of the businesses along this low-rise stretch of real estate shuttered/moved, with Wylie Dufresne’s baby being the last. The restaurant will close at the […]

hotel-chantelle-art
Hotel Chantelle Purse Snatcher Returns to Scene of the Crime, Arrested Onsite

The age-old cliche of “returning to the scene of the crime” couldn’t be more apropos today. Friday evening, roughly two months after three men allegedly snatched a purse from a 26-year-old woman at Hotel Chantelle, the main perpetrator was arrested and charged. We are told that he was identified as Berthold Jean-Charles, a party promoter and so-called […]

leas-dress-shop-closing
Lea’s Dress Shop is Closing After 44 Years on Orchard Street

More carnage to report today on Orchard Street where the Bargain District bloodbath worsens. One remnant vendor, operational since the 1970s, is calling it quits. Lea’s Dress Shop, founded at 125 Orchard in around 1970, is about to close its doors. A sad sign straddles the window announcing the imminent closure, and how “everything must be […]

darkroom-doh-again
DOH Shutters the Darkroom on Ludlow Street for 2nd Time in a Month

It’s lights out for the Darkroom … yet again. For the second time in the last month, the Department of Health paid an untimely visit to 165 Ludlow Street on Friday evening and ultimately put the kibosh on the decade-old nightclub. This time around, the shutter is blamed on a violation tally of 39 points […]

  • Annoyedlessider

    Perhaps it is time for cb3 to stipulate that groups of guys not be allowed in bars!