Gallery Girls. Why, Bravo? Why?

Posted on: August 21st, 2012 at 11:32 am by

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Source: Bravo TV

Bravo, Bravo! You’ve reached a new low.

I tolerate that you call those women “Real” Housewives when, in actuality, they are so far from housewives it’s offensive to actual housewives; I even indulge in that bad TV from time to time. Especially the New Jersey cast! They’re a rowdy bunch!

This isn’t about them though. This is about the girls who work in galleries (or aspire to) in your aptly-titled new show Gallery Girls (which you allegedly stole from Mary Blakemore).

Bravo’s Gallery Girls is a docu-series that follows the lives of seven dynamic and ambitious young women in New York City who tackle the cutthroat environment of the art world while vying for their dream jobs. From gallery openings and art shows to the hottest events in the city, the women share a passion for art — but are divided between their Manhattan and Brooklyn lifestyles with vastly different views and tastes towards fashion, art, and men. Attempting to juggle a chic and fabulous standard of living, the ladies tackle financial struggles, family issues, and the pressures of jump starting their lives in the city that never sleeps.

You may want to sit down.

I was so put off by this show that I have strayed from my post as Pirate Preservationist and Ghost of Neighborhood’s Past to become a TV critic.

To the girls on your show:

“I’ll call my dad and tell on you” stops working and makes you look foolish after, let’s say, 5 years-old.

“My parents pay my rent” is played and pretty pathetic. Wait. No. I am actually jealous. I wish my parents paid my rent. I’d be way less stressed and less, what’s that word? Oh, right – adult.

“I live in Brooklyn because I’m broke” is offensive and ignorant.

Many parts of Brooklyn are now more expensive than Manhattan. Williamsburg is not hipster mecca. It’s one of the oldest neighborhoods in the five boroughs. Do your homework before moving here; that’s not a request.

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The girls of the End of Century gallery on Eldridge street opened a gallery – oops, I mean hybrid gallery/store on the Lower East Side ’cause they heard it was up-and-coming.

Totally agree.

It was up-and-coming in the 1860s. You’re a little late, girls. I don’t know any of your names, but the one who squeaks and whispers instead of actually talking and looks two bumps past her limit? She’s the one who irks me the most.

Her I’m-so-not-pretentious pretentiousness is a reeking puddle of DL patron vomit that she delicately tries to step over and fails. Hard to puddle jump in 14 inch platforms so that vile bile soaks into the hem of her extra long skirt that she claims is totally vintage, but is totally from American Apparel.

Now to the doofy girls from Florida: I am blonde and you make me want to dye my hair black, but I won’t because I don’t care about you that much.

To the girl who says her dad is “famous” and receptionists that are rude to her are idiots because they don’t know who she is?

Um. K.

Would that make everyone except the 10 people who watched this show dumb? And so at this point, famous has become a relative word.

Here’s a ridiculous quote from her (I like I think like it’s her, ’cause like two of them look like twinsies):

“You have like the artsy people, and then you have like the older cougar women who are trying to be young and they’re not, and then you have like the young trendy girls that are trying to like fit in and like be relevant, that’s like how the art world is.”

Oh, man. You poor thing. Your dad is so rich and famous that the gallery owner you volunteer for gets you your macchiato. But daddy doesn’t say “I love you.”

I really do believe that hurts, but stop using your daddy for “fame” and actually make him proud. Then maybe you’ll hear what he’s hasn’t said.

Those are the breaks, kid. Money can’t buy you love or a job, apparently.

Let’s see who’s up next?

Ah, the model. Should I have used quotations around that? Probably.

Being vulgar isn’t sexy.

Wearing pasties with a see through shirt, describing your genitalia on National Television as a “p***y” is probably really embarrassing for your mother and yes, a model dating a photographer is cliché.

Put some clothes on.

I think I left some people out, but they’re irrelevant anyway. Mostly I just wanted to write this so I could highlight a comment Boogie got back in 2011 when we ran an Op-Ed piece about Bravo allegedly stealing the show’s name from Mary Blakemore and her web-series.

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Three cheers for the catty snobs who read Bowery Boogie!

That said I won’t be watching another episode.

Total New York plug – the ONLY girl on the show whose name I cared to look up is Kerri. She supports herself and works a full time job repping Long Island.

I respect the hell out of that, and Kerri? I hope Bravo makes you famous. You are pretty much the only one who seems to deserve it.

Just a lovely coincidence you happen to be the one girl actually from NY. Naysayers, don’t say sh*t to me on that one. Anybody who lives in NYC from CT, NJ (parts?), or NY gets a Tri-State pass to say you are a New Yorker without having to adhere to the 5 years rule. Or is it 10 years?

Bye, bye, Gallery Hurls (told you, not completely mature) – you basically suck and when you move back to the OC or Miami or Illinois (that part I did look up) or wherever, just remember that were it not for Bravo, you’d just be another gallery girl “attempting to juggle a chic and fabulous standard of living…”

Toodles.

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