Job Opportunity: Be a Lower East Side Superhero Sidekick
Sidekick needed for fighting crime:
-You should be skilled in some sort of martial art, Kung Fu hopefully, and possess the ability to fight at least 3 dudes at once with ease. Because I don’t need you to be the damsel in distress.
-You should have your own form of transportation to and from work. Villains aren’t going to wait for you near bus lines. And no I will not reimburse you for gas money.
-You should be proficient in Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.
-You should possess some sort of super power. Being a good listener is not a super power unless you’re capable of hearing a conversation from a mile away. And not with the use of a cell phone smart ass. Also if your super power is talking to fish, jump up your own ass.
-Keeping your secret identity secret to everyone except me.
-You should have an eager desire to learn, to protect the citizens of New York City, and you should have a good sense of humor. Enough to audibly chuckle at all of my jokes, but not so much that your laughter interferes with fighting bad guys. Also don’t try to be funnier than me. Seriously, I will melt you with my heat vision and then tell all of your future prospective employers that you were regularly late because of a PCP addiction. And that I regularly caught you pleasuring yourself to YouTube videos for furniture repair.
-There’s a non refundable $75 one time background check fee to ensure you weren’t previously employed as a henchman. Fee waived for female and shape shifters.
-There will be random drug testing. Steroid use is ok.
-You shall maintain a strict diet and exercise regiment to maintain a stellar physique in tights.
-A cool nickname, but not cooler than mine. Dragon. Pronounced Dre’gone. Like Dr. Dre and gone like ‘your chances for employment are gone if you submit your resume in Comic Sans.’ Times New Roman people. If you mess up the pronunciation of my name, I will crush your head with an ice pick.
-Expect for me to have sex with you at some point. Females and males with the ability to shape shift into hot females especially. Just accept this as part of the dynamic between superheroes and their sidekicks.
-I am not currently looking for an animal or alien sidekick. Nevertheless, I’m willing to consider your applications equally. But expect the same considerations when it comes to sex as the human applicants.
-You will never attempt to add me as a friend on Facebook. We are co-workers, not friends.
-A clever catch phrase. One that would go well on T-shirts and bumper stickers.
Hours: Various. But you will be on call 24/7 because crime never sleeps.
Experience: Preferably a background in some type of detective work or a previous sidekick to another Superhero.
Salary: Starting salary is $85,000/yr. You will have full health insurance, partial dental insurance, access to a 401K, your own parking spot, and you will be eligible for an incentive based bonus that is structured to consider how many bad guys you killed or put behind bars.
DO NOT BOTHER REPLYING IF: You have ever been associated with Professor Manipulator. That’s my arch enemy and he’s a total dick.