Swinging Balls: A Recap of the 15th Annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant [PHOTOS]

Posted on: January 6th, 2014 at 10:00 am by

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Matthew Silver, the 2014 Mr. Lower East Side

The infamous Mr. Lower East Side Pageant returned for its fifteenth year on Friday evening at Cake Shop. Six inches of snow and shivering single-digit temps didn’t keep patrons from the X-rated circus, nor tame their appetite for Schweddy balls. After all, the neighborhood needs its king.

MC’d by neighborhood fixture Rev Jen, it was four hours of smutty spectacle with enough cock and balls to either make or break your night. And to that end, the hostess thanked Cake Shop for being “one space still willing to host [since it’s] getting harder to find places.”

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As usual, the Cake Shop basement itself was sweaty and packed. Old copies of the New York Times were splayed across the front of the stage for seating. The night kicked off with Raven Solano and Brer Brian performing a rendition of “Lift Up Your Kilt,” a local folk song dedicated to the “changing neighborhood and the yuppies who took the art from us.” Then the party started. Four categories: talent, swimsuit, evening attire, and Q&A.

In the end, after a night of hijinx and pageantry, the girls and gay guys in attendance ranked the very best. Matthew Silver was crowned the 2014 Mr. Lower East Side, taking the honor from last year’s winner, Johnny Bizarre. In a statement, Silver quipped:

I feel very luck to be part of one of the greatest New York traditions!!! Awesome thanks to Revjen Miller and Francis Hallaka (Faceboy) for putting up with soo many hairy ball sacks and smelly, hairy men like me!!!!!! As the 15th Annual Mr. LES I will use my fart heart power to destroy the idea of the economy. And have people welcome back their hearts. Because in a tough city everybody needs love. and in reality, love is the only thing thats real!!!!!! Lets go back to the inner child and Fart Hearts. Baruch ata Adonai that is within every living soul.

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Mike “Clamato” Amato

Complete results:

Mr. Lower East Side – Matthew Silver
Mr. Congeniality – Raven Solano
Best Male Tits – Chuck Funk
Best Nut Sack – Tommy D. Naked Man

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