18th Annual ‘Mr. Lower East Side Pageant’ Announced, Remains in Exile
The zany, always popular Mr. Lower East Side Pageant returns later this month for its eighteenth outing. Reverend Jen, who invented the contest, sent out a save-the-date to faithful followers. Mark Saturday, February 18 in your calendar.
However, for the second year running, the festivities remain in exile. Not held in the namesake neighborhood, but rather in a different borough altogether – Ridgewood, Queens. Reason for the venue change is simple; as Rev Jen notes, “because no one can afford the LES anymore.”
Below is the full announcement:
It’s that time of year again – The time when snowflakes fall gently onto the crumbling sidewalks and dudes who haven’t seen the inside of a gym in over a decade suddenly want to look buff for the laydees…That’s right, it’s time for the annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant whereupon the women and gay men of the Lower East Side choose one lucky man to rule the area south of Houston and east of Bowery. (Of course, the pageant is now, fittingly, held in Queens because no one can afford the LES anymore.)
The 18th annual Pageant will prove to be an extra-glamorous extravaganza, similar to the Ms. Universe Pageant, if all the contestants were hairy and liked Budweiser. To compete in this cutthroat pageant, contestants need not live on the Lower East Side. (Because honestly, who can afford it anymore?) They simply must possess qualities, which would make them the proper representative of this neighborhood. (What those qualities are, I am not quite sure of…) They also must prepare for the following competitions: A 1-minute talent competition, a swimsuit competition, eveningwear and question and answer. Contestants must show up at 8 to sign up! Or they should e-mail email@example.com for details.
Last year’s winner, John King will possibly be giving up his crown (which comes complete with a detachable bong) in the most exciting event of the year. The chosen monarch will also receive a slice of pizza from Rosario’s, a six-pack of Budweiser, and the knowledge that he has been chosen by the people. Runner-up will receive the dubious honor of Mr. Tribeca, and will get to wear a smaller vagina-shaped crown throughout the year. There will also be prizes given for “best male tits,” “congeniality” and “best nutsack.” Special performances by past Mr. Lower East Sides and musical acts will make the night especially magical.
Any woman or gay man who shows up is automatically a judge! Judges must be punctual because incomplete ballots will not be accepted! Reverend Jen, the Bob Barker of the L.E.S. will host the evening. Plus, there will be surprise celebrity judges and performers!